Why Disney’s Frozen Left Me Out in the Cold

So it seems everyone loves Frozen except me and, like, maybe two other people. I guess nobody else noticed what a huge mess the story was. Or the mind-boggling plot holes. Or the shitty character design? It’s like Disney just phoned this one in.

There is no explanation at all for Elsa’s powers. That’s not a minor omission. Why does she have them, and no one else in her family? Not even a great grandmother or aunt to speak of, some branch in the family tree to pass this down? Some family history of how these powers were used so Elsa and her parents would know what to do? If I were writing a fantasy story and left out basic shit like this, people would rip my head off, and no one would certainly want to publish such a weak story.

The trolls were not only the worst character design imaginable for a troll, they were just plain stupid. They’re just as out of place as Elsa’s powers. When I heard the head grandpappy troll say it would be best if he erased all memory of magic from Anna and that no one should ever see Elsa use her powers, I thought it was the worst advice I’d ever heard. But what’s even more stupid is how the film tries to carry that out. Because in reality, the parents would’ve trained Elsa to be a ice-spewing war machine and they would’ve used her to conquer the surrounding kingdoms until Elsa gets tired of their manipulation and kills them herself, usurping the throne and becoming the villainous Snow Queen out of the original Hans Christian Anderson tale Frozen borrows from.

To have Elsa never talk to Anna, never let her in, to be a shut-in her whole life, and then somehow have the ability and worldliness to run a kingdom is beyond me. What would have made sense is if the family had locked Elsa away in a remote location (a tower, perhaps, for the sake of fairy tales). The movie doesn’t even acknowledge the absurdity of what it’s doing, it sweeps it under the ice.

The king and queen are lost at sea and presumed dead, orphaning Elsa and Anna. And, apparently, there is no other family to raise them? No uncles or aunts? No viziers, no nannies, no tutors of any kind? WHO RAISED AND EDUCATED THE KIDS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES? Don’t you think these people would be… oh, I dunno… important in the lives of Elsa and Anna, somehow? Ya think? Like, they’d be in the movie as surrogate parents?

Anna’s the “naive” one for falling for Prince Hans and getting engaged after knowing him for less than a day, but it’s totally cool (you see what I did, there) for Elsa to just run away from home like a huffy teenager and build herself an ice castle. HOW IS SHE GOING TO EAT? The “smart” one didn’t exactly think this through, did she?

There were a few things I liked about movie: the interaction between Kristoff and Sven, especially when Kristoff spoke for Sven in a different voice. And even though he was almost completely unnecessary to the film in any real way, I loved the character of Olaf the snowman. I just loved his voice and his reactions to everything. I know, I hear you saying, “But it was Olaf who found Anna locked in the room in the castle in her time of greatest peril!” To which I would suggest that person could be anyone, really, like one of those mysteriously missing surrogate parent types.

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